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"Sometimes I think war is God's way of teaching us geography."
Paul Rodriguez.
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God said, "Go down into that valley."
And Adam said, "What's a valley?" and God explained it to him.
Then God said, "Cross the river"
And Adam said "What's a river?" and God explained it to him.
And then God said, "Go over the hill."
And Adam said, "What's a hill?" and God explained it to him.
Then God told Adam, "On the other side of the hill, you will find a cave." And Adam said, "What's a cave?"
And God explained that to him. "In the cave you will find a woman."
And Adam said, "What's a woman?"
So God explained that to him, and said, "I want you to reproduce."
And Adam said, "How do I do that?" So God explained it to him.
So off went Adam, down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, and into the cave, and found the woman, and in about five minutes he was back. God said angrily, "What is it now?"

And Adam said, "What's a headache?"
At the conclusion of the physical exam the doctor summoned his patient into his office with a grave look on his face. "I hate to be the one to break it to you, Fred," he said, "but I'm afraid you have only six months to live."

"Oh, my gosh," gasped Fred, turning white. When the news had sunk in he said, "Listen, Doc, you've known me a long time. Do you have any suggestions as to how I could make the most of my remaining months?"

"Have you ever married?" asked the doctor.

Fred explained that he'd been a bachelor all his life.

"You might think about taking a wife," the doctor proposed. "After all, you'll need someone to look after you during the final illness."

"That's a good point, Doc," mused Fred. "And with only six months to live I'd better make the most of my time."

"May I make one more suggestion?" asked the doctor. When Fred nodded, he said, "Marry a Jewish girl."

"A Jewish girl, how come?"

"It'll seem longer."
A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C - very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000! What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."
"Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache,
do what it says on the aspirin bottle: "Take two aspirin" and "Keep away
from children".
A Mum.
A man returning home a day early from a business trip got into a taxi at the airport. It was after midnight.

While enroute to his home, he asked the cabby if he would be a witness as he suspected his wife was having an affair and he intended to catch her in the act. For $100, the cabby agreed.

Quietly arriving at the house, the husband and cabby tiptoed into the bedroom. The husband switched on the lights, yanked the blanket back and there was his wife in bed with another man.

The husband put a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouted, "Don't do it! This man has been very generous! I lied when I told you I inherited money. He paid for the Corvette I bought for you. He paid for our new cabin cruiser. He paid for our house at the lake. He paid for our country club membership, and he even pays the monthly dues!"

Shaking his head from side-to-side the husband slowly lowered the gun. He looked over at the cab driver and said, "What would you do?"

The cabby said, "I'd cover his ass up with that blanket before he catches a cold."
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